I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
