how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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