remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
