i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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