I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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