wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
