Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
