You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
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I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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