I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
