your parents love me but you hate me
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
