you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
