he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
