Please, let me fuck your mom
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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