Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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