So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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