My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
