i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
