90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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