dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
