so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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