i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
