Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
