I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!