So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.