i was rollin on her like bob the builder
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize