Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
