dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
