Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
