went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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