probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
