I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
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It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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