omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
