Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
