If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
