Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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