I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Randomize
