That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
