She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
