im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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