Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
