You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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