I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
