i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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