I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
