I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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