Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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