It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
