omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
