come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
