I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
