also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
