When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
