you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
meet me or not, i'm out of control
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
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yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
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You have to summon your inner elephant
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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