my room smells like sperm. sweet.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
