you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
