I wish I could teleport
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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