how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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