My friends, they love my intelligence
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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